Thursday, September 1, 2011

Tell The Truth. Are You A...

Dear Drama Queen,

The other coworkers won’t tell you this, but you’re really annoying, hard to work with and a pain in the arse! You’re driving us all insane! And that evil eye of yours, well, it scares us.

You overreact to every little situation. And when I say every, I mean every. Example. You had the same Oscar-winning reaction to a broken nail and your uncle Ted’s death in that tragic…volcano…Speedo wearing…bungee jumping accident.

You don’t seem to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around you. Yes. Sometimes your coworkers have better things to talk about than you. In fact, we’d really appreciate it if you’d stop interrupting our conversations to talk about yourself. And, guess what else? We don't want to hear about your poor, pitiful life anymore. You never ask us, but…we have issues too. Unlike you, when we’re having a bad day, we don't fling ourselves on the ground, curl into a ball and sob uncontrollably for 20 minutes while looking at our own reaction in a compact mirror.

I get it. Your boyfriend broke up with you last night. Is that any reason to contemplate suicide? By the way, we've all noticed that you've contemplated suicide 12 times this month, and, well, we don't believe you anymore.

Oh. Whoopsie. Someone used all of your coffee creamer...again. Please, on behalf of the entire staff, can you shorten your rant about how we all suck and have no manners? This particular temper tantrum—that you throw every two weeks for 15 minutes—doesn’t make anyone move any faster to get your Belgium White Chocolate Macadamia creamer. Actually, we used it all on purpose because...we wanted to see your head explode.

Drama Mama, I’m not trying to offend you, but I must let you know that you’re draining and have the amazing ability to suck the life out of the room. Your reaction to everything doesn’t have to be a 10. Tone it down. Yell less. Listen more, and realize that you’re not famous, and you’re not filming a reality television show so there will be no paparazzi taking pictures of your antics. And no one, and I mean no one, will ever care about your issues as much as you do.

Oh, and here’s your creamer. I poured it down the sink yesterday. Whoopsie.

Do you know any drama queens? Are you one? Let me hear your stories.

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